Red Sea
by Yuki Scorpio
Summary: [COMPLETE][Weiss] Youji never recovered from losing Asuka, and now Weiß faces a new mission that threatens to break them apart. Warnings: shounen ai spoilers for settings in Dramatic Precious series violence explicit language.
1. Prologue

**R e d S e a**

The following piece of fanfiction contains** violence, spoilers for the Dramatic Precious series, shounen-ai and explicit language**. If any of these offend or upset you, please do not proceed.

This story comes after "When You Gonna Learn", which I wrote some time ago. It'll be good if you've read that fic first, but it's not really essential.

Prologue

'SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!'

Ran yelped in surprise as he was knocked down onto the tiled floor. The face hovering above his was twisted in anger - the pupils were dilated, lips pulled back into a scowl, nostrils flared, and sweat broke out on the forehead. He gasped when suddenly arms tightened and pulled. A wire wound around his throat, cutting off his air supply.

'Yo... Youji!' His eyes widened. He reached up to try to loosen the wire as his legs kicked furiously, but Youji wouldn't budge. 'Let... go!'

'Shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!'

Youji grabbed Ran by his face, lifted the head from the floor, then slammed it back down. _Thump._

'WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT ME!?'

Again and again. _Thump. Thump._

'Argh...'

'YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!'

Ran's body gave in to the pain.

Youji breathed heavily as he stood up, glaring at the unconscious form on the floor. Ran's limbs lay limply by his side, his lips were parted slightly and the face turned sideways. If not for the fine red line around his neck, one could easily mistake him as sleeping in exhaustion.

_Thump._

Youji fell onto his knees.

The back of his shaking hand touched Ran's face. 'Aya?'

_Thump. Thump._

He could hear his own heart pounding, as if it was about to jump out of his chest. He touched his own face. His fingers were cold.

'What... had I done?'

[onto part 1]


	2. Part 1

**R e d S e a**

Part One

A night sky. Like gems sewn in a black velvet drape, countless of stars twinkled down at the Earth, winking at the man. Kudou Youji let the cigarette hanging between his lips burn its way to death as he looked up, suddenly remembering the days when he and a special someone used to gaze at stars every night.

He tried getting up but failed. It must have been that cheap wine. A sickening feeling rose in his chest even when he moved his head. Giving up, he lay down on the wet grass and let the starlight and the remaining dozen cans of beer be his company. Next time, they should stop at somewhere that has decent pubs. Oh well, what the hell, it was summer, too nice and hot for anything to happen to him. If anything happens, all the better. He looked down at his hands, opening and clenching tight the palms that held and treated many women the way there weren't supposed to. Men like him were scum, it didn't matter that much if there was one less scumbag in this world.

Youji heard the familiar sounds of a certain tuned engine coming his way, but he couldn't get up. From where he sat, he grabbed an empty can of beer and tossed it into the air, hoping to catch the driver's attention. The Super Seven slowed, then stopped beside him. He winced at the low light that was blinding his eyes despite the sunglasses.

When someone plucked the cigarette away from his lips, lifted him by his underarms and dragged him into the car, all Youji could do was laugh and choke on himself.

'You gonna stop 'ere? ... I hurled you up four flights first time we met and did jus' fine.' Youji mumbled as his friend pulled up the car beside their M-CAT but didn't move since then. 'Maybe your name isn't de only gal thing 'bout you.'

His friend only frowned, turned around and produced a plastic bag from the backseats. He took out a bottle of water and a towel, wetted it and tossed it onto the half-drunk's face. 'Get yourself sorted before you go in. You'll wake everyone up.'

'Yea, always full of reasons. Go drink with me once, I wanna see if you're still like that when you're up to your brows with alcohol.'

Fifteen minutes later, after Youji made sure he would not throw up, they were back into the M-CAT. The taller man dropped into the first couch he saw, and closed his eyes.

He liked sleeping. Most of the time, when there was alcohol in his veins, he could sleep dreamlessly. Like death, he could just close his eyes and die. Die and then resurrect in the morning, pretending he was renewed, fooling himself that he was a whole new being. This was the only way to go on, to live on.

But sometimes, he wondered what if he didn't wake up.

* * *

'Aya-chan~~~'

Ran's eyes snapped open. The endless blood pool was replaced by a nicely painted ceiling and the man beside him was not the Schwarz redhead but a stranger with wavy brown hair and deep-set emerald eyes.

'Yo!' The young man grinned. He was Kudou Youji, the first member of Weis to properly introduce himself to Ran. Always quick at integrating people into his friendliness, Youji filled him with information before Ran asked anything. What Weis was, what he was. Like always, Ran just walked away, uncomfortable with anyone who showed him kindness. Getting carried up four floors, sleeping in someone else's bed and being watched over, or simply getting inducted to his new job by what seemed like an overfriendly attitude just made Ran want to leg it as soon as possible. The way to do it? Mutter a few cold words or grab someone by his collar and shout.

Since young, everyone looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

'That's Fujimiya's kid. God knows what's with his hair and eyes...'

'Oh, he is such a cutie! But he's so pale!'

'Maybe he's got some genetic diseases.'

'Neh, you're just weird!'

When they smiled or laughed, were they laughing with him or at him? How would he know? How could he stop them? The only way he knew was to stop socialising. Shunned because he looked different, young Ran grew to into someone who seldom showed any emotions. When people could no longer provoke him, they would soon be tired of their games and stop their comments and bullying.

'Aya-kun, can you please pass me the map?'

'Uh...' Snapping out of his memories, Ran rummaged around the cabinet then tossed the road map to Omi.

'Thanks!' The boy smiled brightly, large, ocean blue eyes bright and beautiful.

Ran muttered something incomprehensible, then returned to the task at hand.

He wanted to smile at Omi and say something in return, but because he never used to let anyone know how he felt, so he didn't know how to do it now. Weis were one of the only few people who didn't look at him differently, along with Aya-chan. He wanted to let them know he liked them. However, Ran hardly ever used words to express himself since young, he only felt himself clumsy and idiotic when he tried to explain himself to anyone, so the best he could do as an occasional crooked smile.

Aya-chan said that he looked funny when smiling. Even he thought the same, but his sister explained that was because he didn't let himself go completely. If he was still afraid of being looked at weirdly or being laughed at, if he thought people were nice to him so that they could worm under his skin and destroy him from inside, he would never be able to smile naturally. But that was what happened, he had always given the cold shoulder to anyone who was nice to him, because he knew they weren't supposed to be nice. They always had something they want from him or had a scheme going on. They just wanted to use him. He was a killer; no one was supposed to love him - not even like him.

'We've got at least another hour down this motorway, Ken-kun. Then we'll see the exit for the other motorway.'

'Okay,' At the wheel, Ken sighed a little. He didn't even bother changing out of his sweatpants since he woke in the morning. 'You just keep checking that map.'

'... Want me to take over?' In the main body of the trailer, Ran looked through the little window on the door that connected to the driver's area, putting hands in his pockets. He knew Ken didn't like driving very much.

Ken glanced at him then kept his eyes on the road. 'Nah, why don't you check on Youji? I'd rather drive than to take care of that guy. He's probably awake with a migraine now.'

As if on cue, Omi handed Ran a tray of milk, bread, and strawberry jam. 'Are we just going to leave him like this? I don't think Youji-kun's drinking habits were that bad before.'

'What can we do? Lock him in?'

Ken shared Omi's concern but felt powerless to do anything. As a friend, he ought to help Youji, and it wasn't like he didn't try, but Youji, being the man he was, always just dismissed the entire matter. And there was only so many times a friend can try before finally feeling that his help was not wanted and Youji would rather dwell on and live with his anguish.

'Watch your back before you talk about anyone, kiddo.' Youji appeared, hands holding onto a doorframe to keep himself steady. This was one hell of a headache he had, and the movement of the M-CAT certainly did nothing to help. 'Shit, my head's about to blow.'

Ran motioned Youji to sit at the table at the corner and set the tray down. 'It's normal.'

Youji looked at the food, groaned a little because he didn't feel like eating, but ate anyway. 'Normal, huh? You try feeling your head's blasted by an AK-47 all around and tell me again if it's normal.'

'If you drank like a fish the night before, it's normal.'

The hand opening the strawberry jam bottle stopped. Youji looked up at Ran warningly but stayed silent.

'Let's just let Youji-kun eat his breakfast first.' Omi flinched, hastily getting up to go to the cold room. Seeing his friends fighting was the last thing he wanted. 'I need some help with the roses, Aya-kun. I think the bulbs got over-chilled and we better take them out before - '

'What has it got to do with you?' Youji mumbled to Ran, chewing on the bread. His other hand gave Omi a wave, reassuring him that they were not going to fight.

Ran put his palms on the small table and leaned forward. He half glared down with his violet eyes, and his voice was colder than he had intended it to be. 'When it's affecting everyone else, it's got a lot to do with me.'

'Yeah yeah, get a grip, Youji, I know that.' Youji smiled uncaringly and gulped down the milk. He could flip and begin a useless argument right now but he couldn't be bothered to shout when his brain was still bashing around in his skull. 'Easier said than done.'

'I don't see you trying.'

Finishing, Youji got up and took the tray, strolling away in his slept-in blue shirt and black pants. Just before he left the room, he said,

'You don't see anything at all.'

* * *

Youji studied his reflection in the glass. His clothes were creased, his face was pale and his hair was messed up. Hell, his life was messed up; Ran had a point there. But he knew nothing. None of them understood anything and Youji wouldn't try to explain because it would hurt and they still wouldn't get it anyway. He knew they wanted to help... but there are things in life that not even one's closest will understand. They would be supportive, but once they find out Youji would never recover completely, they would eventually see Youji's lack of strength as pathetic self-pity.

And it wasn't self-pity Youji felt - it was self-resentment.

'Youji-kun?' The door opened with a quiet click and Omi stepped in, whispering as though afraid that he would disturb Youji's trail of thought.

'Man, these bulbs are frozen!' Youji reached into the glass cupboard and took out one still-to-blossom white rose.

Omi scratched his head and smiled gingerly, trying to look like Ken. 'Shall we hurry up and take them out then?'

'They're as good as dead. They're never gonna open.'

'Eeps.' Omi grimaced. Aya-kun wasn't going to be happy about this. 'So we throw them away?'

Youji shrugged, shutting the cupboard with a backhanded push. 'Aya'll notice if a bunch of roses suddenly goes missing. Let's just leave them chilled in there for now and see how long this will go unnoticed.'

He grinned evilly, giving Omi a pat on the shoulder before flopping into the nearest piece of furniture. He pressed fingers on his temples and rubbed them in small circles, trying to ease the headache that was taking its time to go away. When a bottle of painkillers appeared over his shoulder, he smiled thankfully.

'Aya-kun told me to give it to you.'

'Ah.'

'You're not angry at him?'

'Why should I be?' Youji sighed. He was the one in the wrong, not Ran. It would be pointless to direct his anger at the man when he was just trying to be a friend in that unfriendly manner of his. 'Now go, the old man needs some shut eye.'

Omi glared at Youji unbelievingly. 'But you only just woke up!'

'You'll understand when you reach my age and have a hangover.'

The younger man walked around the couch, plopping down right beside Youji and looking into the green eyes. 'How about not getting a hangover, then? I don't mean to sound like Aya-kun, but we - '

'I'd be really worried if you start to sound like him.' Youji chuckled. Omi sounding like Ran would be worse than Ken proposing to a chair. 'Look, just let me sleep.'

Omi got up, feeling slightly disappointed. It was obvious that Youji was avoiding the main point of discussion and seeing the state he was in, Omi didn't want to push further, even though it was this very matter that made Youji so low. Friends-wise, he could not bear to see Youji drinking himself into a pulp at least once a week, and for Weiss this was just a plain bad thing to happen. Real bad.

Sighing, Omi left the way he came.

* * *

Ken listened to the quiet rustling of trees outside, mutely wondering why they were heading back to Tokyo. The soda in his hand had already stopped fizzing and he poured it away with a frown. 'Good thing never lasts.' He whispered to himself.

'Yeah.' Tapping a cigarette out from his pack, Youji spoke. Ken jumped, not realising his friend's presence. 'But that's what makes good things good.'

'Whatever.' Ken shrugged, tossing the empty can into the bin. He cursed when it hit the edge and fell out instead of in.

'Where're we going, Ken?'

'Tokyo.'

'Why?'

'Manx told us to.' Ken rolled his eyes when Youji gave him a questioning look. 'You weren't here when she spoke to us.'

'Oh.' Youji muttered as he pulled the cigarette out with his lips and opened the exit door.

'Now where're you going?'

Youji pulled a face, a lit lighter in hand. 'Outside.'

'Oh, outside. Where about? Hawaii? Scotland? Lala-Land?' Ken walked towards his friend in the darkness. 'You better not get drunk, mate. We're sick and tired of your attitude. I don't want to see Aya getting up at wee hours to pick you up and anyway, we've left your car in the last town we stopped in and we aren't gonna drive a whole freaking trailer to pick you up.'

Youji thought for a moment and decides to avoid discussion his problem with alcohol. 'Well I don't know about you, Ken, but sleeping with three other guys isn't my ideal way of living. Perhaps you don't need to get laid but I do. So I'm going out. Stay put with the trailer until I get back.'

Ignoring Ken's protests, Youji shut the door behind him. He needed to go out and prove to himself that he wasn't losing control. If he knew what he was doing, then he wouldn't need the alcohol afterwards.

Youji still kept these thought in mind whilst kissing and sucking the lips of the woman who had her body pressed tightly between his and her wardrobe. She was an old acquaintance of his, nothing more. Youji had friends living in this town but he didn't want to risk the friendship, even though he told himself the whole time he would not do _that_ again.

He wouldn't repeat it.

And he did.

He watched in morbid fascination as the naked woman underneath him suffocated. She kicked frantically and tried to yank Youji's hands off her throat but the man was too strong for her.

_Damn you, Asuka. You belong only to me._

He saw Asuka struggling beneath him, eyes almost bulging and her face an unnatural deep red.

_If you'll never love me, then die._

He withdrew his hands when sharp nails dug deep into his skin, waking him from his... what, dream? Illusion? Or imagination?

The woman was unconscious. With shaking hands, he tucked her into bed and left. For the nearest pub.

He did it again. Youji was scared of himself. Was this Asuka's curse that he would always see her in another woman, always want to strangle her to death, always having to relive that selfish, sickening moment when he killed her not for justice or revenge, but only because she didn't love him?

Youji looked up at the crescent moon. He was no doer of justice or bringer of death. He was only a lovesick psycho.

[onto part 2]


	3. Part 2

**R e d S e a**

Part Two

Omi stepped outside of their trailer and stretched out leisurely, smiling to no one in particular. He could feel the sun showering him with life. 'Oi, Ken-kun, come on out, the day's just beautiful.'

From nowhere came the reply, 'Yeah I know!'

'Eh?'

'Up here!' Ken yelled, laying spread-eagled at the roof of the trailer. With his eyes shut, he could see nothing but the colour of blood in his eyelids. 'I'm gonna get a taaaaaan!'

'You're just going to burn yourself.' Omi snorted, then laughed. 'Come down, we're going to open the shop soon.'

'Wait till Youji gets back.'

Omi blinked. Youji wasn't in the trailer? Did he go out again last night? Oh... 'Where did he go? It's almost noon now.'

There was a groan, and then Ken hopped down from the roof. 'He said he didn't want to sleep with three other guys. 'Nuff said.'

Ken didn't want to sound as if he didn't care. If he didn't he wouldn't have talked to Youji the night before. But when it was so obvious that Youji didn't want to share his burden, what could he do? He talked to him like a friend would; he shouted at him like a friend would, yet Youji didn't listen. And normally Youji wasn't like that. He would turn a deaf ear several times just to drive Ken mad, but not to this extent.

Ken and Omi turned when they heard the mechanical noises of the back door being opened. Ran narrowed his eyes as sunlight flooded into their flower stockroom, held a hand up to shield his eyes and stepped out. 'Where's Youji?'

'Er, he said he's got a date.' Omi smiled sheepishly, hurrying over to help take the larger plants out to let them photosynthesise. 'He should be back soon, huh?'

'When he says that, he ends up being in a pub.' Ran murmured, tying the apron around his waist and telling himself that Youji was beyond help. 'Ken, go check him out. The town's small, there should be no more than two pubs here. Be back by three, we want to get to Tokyo before dark.'

'... Okay. Anything else?'

'Have you got cash on you?'

'About 3000 yen.'

'Here.' Ran threw his wallet over. 'You might need it.'

Ken looked at the wallet in his hands, then at Ran. Shrugging, he let the other two tend the shop and left for Youji.

* * *

To a certain extent, Ran knew he was the luckiest one out of the four of them. With Aya-chan now working in _Koneko no Sumu Ie_, Ran had nothing to worry about and no one to avenge for. Instead of losing something like the other three had, Ran regained his sister after joining Weiß and now except for occasionally mourning for his parents, there really wasn't anything that could depress him.

A twisted form of survivor's guilt rose in him whenever he saw his friends suffered from their losses in Weiß. It felt like it was up to him to fix them up again because the others were only broken dolls trying to pick up their shattered pieces with their cracked hands. But Ran was no skilled craftsman and sometimes he feared that he would do more damage than good. He couldn't socialise, couldn't use correct words to console even himself, so how could he help anyone else?

'Oi Aya, Youji owes you 7000.' Ken sat down beside Ran. He began wiping off the sweat from the unusual exercise of half dragging, half carrying a fully grown - not to mention much taller than him - man into the trailer. He wondered how Ran did that a couple of times without complaining.

'You know what? He called me "Aya", must've thought I was you, huh? He slurred some apologies... something like "uh... Aya, sorry I just... need to drink and forget..." Wonder what he means?'

'Troubles with women, perhaps.' Ran replied in monotone.

This was one of the things he could never, even if he tried, help his friends with. He watched them break with the deaths of Kase, Neu and Ouka, and witnessed their slow recovery - if there had been any recovery - and felt completely powerless. That was their own struggle, just like Aya's private battle with her coma. and Ran just could not step in. He wished he could.

Just how deeply did Youji love Neu that he suffered so much because of it? Ran saw it, felt it, but could not understand it. It seemed to be a fire that gave Youji life, yet gradually burned him to death.

Ran wished he knew how that would feel.

'How long will it take to get to Tokyo?'

When Ken asked 'when will I able to find love' all that time ago, Ran asked himself the same question silently.

He loved Tomoe Sakura. At least he thought he loved her. But did he, a man who killed, deserve her? Ran couldn't even tell if he only saw Sakura as a substitute for Aya, and he knew it would only be unfair for her if he kept her close to him. Looking back, Sakura never made him feel that they needed each other. Ran knew he didn't love her enough. Love shouldn't be like that.

'Ayaaaaaaaa, did you hear me?'

'We're in Tokyo now. The outskirts of it.'

Love should be when you just want to be with each other for as long as you can and give what you can give, right? Ran shook his head. He didn't know what love was. But he doubted if anyone knew, either. Not even Youji.

'Youji-kun's asleep.' Omi knocked on the little window on the door to catch Ken's attention.

'He was already asleep when I carried him in!'

Omi smiled uneasily. 'Well... I think it's time we really sit down and talk about things. Do you think Youji-kun will mind?'

Ken put his palms behind his head. 'Why don't you ask him?' He shrugged, then added, 'He apologised earlier though, I guess that's a good sign.'

'Well then, we'll talk after we have dinner.'

* * *

Youji didn't mean to grab the mug.

'That's enough, Youji! We aren't having this from you anymore!' 

He didn't mean to lift his arm.

'Youji-kun, please! We aren't trying to judge you but to help you!'

And he didn't mean to throw it.

He stood affixed to the ground as the white mug slipped from his grasp, contacted with the floor and shattered into pieces. Asuka's _Tokyo University_ mug became nothing but sharp pieces of porcelain that cut open his friend's skin, leaving a deep gash on Omi's left leg.

Youji stayed frozen as Omi silently pressed onto the wound to stop the bleeding. The last item he had of her, the last trace of Asuka was gone and he was the one to destroy it. Again.

So at the end, that was all there was to it. He was just a fool who destroyed everything he loved because his passion would not allow even the concept of betrayal. He killed Neu not because of what he had to do but...

When one holds onto something to himself too tightly, it would only break under the pressure.

'Omi, I - '

Did Asuka hurt him, or was he hurting himself? And how many people had he hurt in the process?

Omi glanced at him, then walked into the washroom without a word.

'You've always been the listener, Youji, but why won't you listen to us this time?' Sighing, Ken rushed after Omi to see to the bleeding.

Youji allowed himself to sit beside the pieces that were the mug which Asuka loved. Even though he let Ran use it, he still treasured it like a child. 'It's just broken glass now...'

'It's just a mug.' Came Ran's reply as he went to the coffee machine at the kitchenette.

'But it...' It was Asuka's favourite mug.

'Still, it's just a mug.' Ran crouched down before Youji with a steaming cup of caffeine. He knew who the item belonged to, but what was dead, was dead. 'Nowhere as important as those who live.'

The taller man managed a little smile at his friend's unusual gesture of kindness and accepted the drink. What Ran said had a point but it wasn't as if he would ever understand that mind numbing pain when he knew he would never get out of Asuka's shadows. In every woman, he saw her. And he strangled every one of them out of habit, out of hatred, out of love. How could he even hope for anyone to understand? If he explained to them what was happening, it would only be admitting to himself that his sanity had died with Neu.

'I didn't mean to do that, Aya.' Youji whispered, his gaze fixed on the pieces on the floor. 'I didn't mean to.'

His companion replied with his silence. For once, Ran knew that he did not need to make a response - that just by being there, he had helped. He had learnt about this companionship from Weiß, his family and his friends, over the years. May be one day, he could return this gift they had offered so unreservingly to him. May be today was the day.

May be, this time, he could make a positive difference.

* * *

He was a man who never knew how to let go.

Youji knew he could never let go of Asuka - he owed her this much. The name of justice was merely a pretty disguise, a silver screen that hid his greed, his vengefulness, and his inability to acknowledge that Asuka was no longer his, that Asuka was no more and there was only Neu. Youji could not accept that Neu had taken the place of the woman he had loved, and wronged, in his carelessness back in his PI days.

In other words, he killed Neu because he wanted to.

'Pretty damn right. And Asuka dies with me.'

In the utter silence of the trailer, Youji heard the voice like a soft caress at his ear. He spun around, looking for the source of the voice, even though he knew who it had to be.

There was no one.

Youji reached for his bottle of rum - they had insisted that if he had to drink, he stayed in the M-CAT - and realised, as his fingers wrapped around the bottleneck, that his arm was shaking.

'What are you so afraid of, Youji?'

He heard her clearly. He could even feel the cold breath touching the back of his neck, and felt the fine hairs there rising because of it. He wished the liquor would calm his nerves. Bringing the bottle to his trembling lips, he reassured himself that he was hallucinating.

'Is that the way you deal with guilt, Youji? You're lame.'

Youji closed his eyes firmly, wishing the voice would go away. 'Get away, Asuka.'

Footsteps. 'The name's Neu. Open your eyes, bastard.'

The rum bottle slipped from his grip when he did as he was told, and it shattered the way Asuka's mug did not long ago. There she was, the woman Youji knew, standing before him in her combat outfit minus the eye shield. A 3-dimensional image that seemed slightly discoloured. Asuka, Kyoko, Neu, whatever the name, it was her, the same person, looking down at him with her hands on her hips.

'Get away? Yeah, you wanted that, didn't you? You fucking _killed_ me so that you didn't have to acknowledge your ugly self. But after all this, don't you think I deserve a major Come Back, like they always do in novels?'

'What... what the...'

Neu frowned and bent forward, bringing her face close to Youji's. Her tone was amused and angered at the same time. 'Don't tell me not one single person out of all those you've killed come back for you.'

To this, Youji suddenly laughed bitterly. Come back for him? He never believed in the supernatural. Perhaps it was time to change. 'You've come to take me? To the damnnest pits of Hell, right? Go on, I probably deserve it.'

Both of them turned when they heard quiet footsteps - most likely from feet wearing soft slippers. Neu frowned again, and crossed her arms before her chest. 'Not exactly. But we'll talk more about that next time. I promise.'

The moment Neu's voice, together with her seemingly projected image, faded completely, the door leading to the sleeping cabins opened. 'Youji-kun?'

'Sorry, did I wake you?'

A faint outline in the dark became a solid person as Omi, followed by Ran, walked towards Youji. 'Were you on the phone? I heard you talking.'

Uneasily, Youji ducked a little and shrugged. 'Just talking to myself. Hey... how's your leg?'

Youji could see through the act Omi tried to put up, pretending that it didn't hurt. 'What... oh you mean this? No big deal. Done worse on missions.' Omi smiled, indicating his bandaged leg. 'Are you making a habit of throwing things?'

Like a soundless presence, Ran had already moved over to collect the pieces of broken rum bottle. He grimaced at the intense smell of alcohol as he crouched down. He never liked alcohol very much.

'Uh, it just slipped.' Youji scratched his head a little, then went to help Ran. 'It really is time I get a grip on things.' He laughed at the bad pun.

To that, Ran looked up. 'I think you owe Omi a promise on this.'

'Promise?' Youji shook his head, letting his wavy hair tumble down and cover his face as he gathered the sharp pieces.

_... we'll talk more about that next time. I promise._

No, Youji would not make promises he didn't know if he could keep. Now, not knowing what the future held for him - who does? - Youji knew only one thing: 'I don't make promises.'

If he ever make a promise, it would be promising himself that he would never make another promise.

Youji vowed to himself that he would protect Asuka, and twice she died in front of him, once even by his own hands. If one could not even keep his vow for the person he loved the most, what kind of a man was he?

'But you will try your best, Youji-kun?' Omi decided not to ask for the reasons for Youji's last statement. If Youji wanted to tell them, then he would even if they didn't ask. 'Right?'

'... Yeah.'

* * *

Youji had fallen asleep. He said, whilst Ran went to throw away the broken glass safely, that Ran should get him a cloth and he would mop up the alcohol on the floor. But when Ran came back with said cloth, Youji was fast asleep like a child on the couch, his breathing shallow but even, shown by the slight rise and fall of his chest.

Perhaps Youji drank so that he could sleep. Perhaps he drank so that he would stop thinking about whatever that was causing him the pain.

Sighing silently, Ran cleaned up the rest of the mess and sat on the floor beside the couch.

The man should know better than relying on alcohol, no? Youji should know that after drinking, a man would only think too much and feel too acutely. Ran knew it, because he too had once immersed himself into this cycle of drinking and hurting after his family was attacked. He remembered the feeling, remembered the days he would leave his shelter just to feel light drizzles of rain on his skin that made him feel, for once, alive. He understood Youji's want of getting away, for vanishing into the darkness where nobody could find him. And he also knew that at the bottom of all this, he wished someone had reached out despite his refusal for help, like a trapped kitten scratching, out of fright, the hand of one who wanted to help him.

Maybe if someone did lift him out of the quicksand, he would never have been sucked into this never-ending cycle of torment.

Youji had helped him somewhat. Everybody in Weiß did in one way or another. They all kept him sane. They showed him the difference between life and death, proved to him his self value and even though they could not pull him up, he did not sink further into his assumed sin.

Ran found himself talking to the air, to his sleeping friend.

'Who is the trapped kitten now? You or me?'

Before he realised it, he was touching Youji's face with the back of his hand, pushing away the bangs.

'Are you going to let me help you, or are you going to climb this cliff on your own until you exhaust yourself and fall, so that I can no longer reach you?'

Expectedly, but disappointingly, silence was the answer.

[onto part 3]


	4. Part 3

**R e d S e a**

Part Three

'And now, let's see what we have here! Congratulations, Mister Hidaka, you have won yourself a flight to Oki - '

Youji stopped mid-sentence, flipped through the stack of air tickets and false passports in his hand, then looked up at Manx. 'Okinawa?'

The same amazement was echoed in Ken and Omi's 'eh?' and in Ran's silently surprised look.

The unnaturally red curls that rested just on her shoulders bounced a little as Manx spun around on her high heels, and her painted lips smiled before replying. 'The mission will be around a week after your arrival. I'll tell you more when it's time.' She glanced around before continuing. 'Familiarise yourselves with scuba-diving and relax before I contact you again. You'll need it.'

Manx was gone before they knew it as they were looking at their passports and tickets. Ran retreated to the backroom, Ken went out to get drinks, and Omi disappeared off somewhere, leaving Youji to himself.

Youji hated that. He didn't want to be alone. Putting aside what Manx had given him, he was at the fridge taking out the remaining half dozen cans of beer before he realised. Of all the strange places they had to go, it was Okinawa, the reputed paradise of Japan which was most probably flooding with tourists and sunshine. And of all the moments he felt like talking to someone, be it discussing their upcoming trip or just any plain old non-sense he loved talking about, everyone just had to vanish off doing their own business. Sod's Law at all its glory.

He was half way through the beer, the snacks and the re-run soap on TV when he sensed that he was no longer alone.

There she was, sitting beside him and smirking. 'Well?'

Youji shrugged, reaching for the _Doritos_, ate some and mumbled a sound in recognition. Pretense of calm. It didn't escape Neu's eyes. It could be a woman's sixth sense, or her being observant, or that she knew him too well. It didn't matter how she knew.

All she wanted was this man's misery, and she would get what she aimed for. Just by sitting here beside him, Neu knew his pathetic defense would crumble. Youji could not stand her presence because she was not material, and she was not Asuka. Perfect.

Poor man. His life would soon be a living Hell.

'Aren't you going out tonight? Find some hot woman who will let you onto her bed just so that you can squeeze the breath out of her?'

Not looking at Neu, Youji mutely let her go on.

'Isn't it about time you rethink about your existence? I killed with a purpose. How about you? What kind of sick pleasure do you get when you strangle those women? What are you, a mantis? You just fucking _mate_, don't you. You're no man. And you dared to even think you can take me from Masafumi.'

On and on she went. Youji stared at his beer can, still not lifting his face because he didn't dare to. What Neu said was all true, that was the heart of the whole thing. He could not face her - she was only voicing out all the buried arguments he knew still existed somewhere within him. As long as he lived, the sin followed.

The main door opened. Neu's image flickered like an old television's screen, and then she was not there anymore. Ken stepped in, plastic bags in both hands. Youji went over to help putting the drinks into the fridge, not commenting on the fact that Ken bought nothing alcoholic. The gesture was kindly intended, Youji knew that. He had been pushing it and shoving his friends away. Youji didn't mean to do that, but he never caught himself in time. It was time to clear his head and try to live again with his friends.

'You owe Aya money, by the way.'

'Since when?'

'The last time you came back from a pub, he paid for your bill for the nth time.' Ken picked up the plastic bags and scrunched them. 'You know how he is with money. You better pay him before he chases after you with a sword...'

Youji pushed the fridge door close, leaving the TV the only illuminator in the room. He could barely see Ken's outline, not to mention his expression of confusion, in this darkness. But Youji could tell by Ken's tone that there were unsaid words.

'Hm?'

Ken cleared his throat before continuing, not sure of his own words at all. 'You're trying Aya's patience, man. He's been the only one to put up with you and God knows why that is, but you better check yourself. If he catches you mumbling to yourself or drinking or whatever, we can't guarantee that he won't snap. It ain't gonna be pretty, you know.'

Youji closed his eyes briefly, crossing his arms and shrugging to Ken's seriousness. It was serious, of course, but in a different way. Ken was hinting something without knowing it - that Youji was exploiting on Ran's humanity just the moment he regained it, and Ran would eventually draw within himself once again because of it.

'Leave it to me, Ken.'

* * *

Rose bulbs. Stunningly red in the glass cabinet, they remained frozen behind the slight mist of condensation on the clear glass, as if trying to hide their presence. But beautiful things never go unnoticed. Beautiful things have always been exploited upon, in the past and now.

Ran reached inside and took out a dead rose, its intense colour making his skin look even paler than usual. He had heard the conversation outside - Youji and Ken did not try to hush their voices as it was not a secret they talked about. Hardly ever did any of them speak in lowered voices anymore, simply because they relied so much upon complete understanding and trust in each other in order to just survive.

To survive, yes. They all wanted to live on, there was no doubt to it, no matter how heavy their - possibly self-assumed - burden had become, because they wanted to see the end of it, whether their existence was worthwhile; whether they had made a positive difference; whether there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes, Ran felt that one of them wanted to let go of that belief. Every one of them had their weakest moments, because despite the façade they put on, they were only humans. And then the others would try their damn hardest to hold up the fallen one again, out of companionship and because they know that if one of them bent and wielded, the rest would crumble under the pressure as well. The intention was selfish but true.

This time, Youji was falling, yet no one knew why. Youji would not tell. Complete understanding, yes, but there were things in one's life that one can never tell another, not even to his closest, because telling it meant disproving one's beliefs, recognising an utter failure and the illusion of hope. Ran understood and respected that fact. He didn't try to, although he wanted to, question why Youji fell. He just wanted the man to take the hand he offered so that he could help Youji up the abyss again.

Twirling the flower between his fingers, Ran sighed and made a mental note not to dwell on those thoughts too much. Impractical thoughts were unproductive. Unproductive thoughts were impractical. Etcetera, etcetera, ad infinitum.

'Yo.'

Ran did not jump, he had trained himself to conceal weaknesses like this, but he was surprised. How long had the subject of his thoughts been standing here for? Violet eyes gave Youji a flitting glance, then he studied the rose again. 'What happened?'

Smiling smugly, Youji ignored what Ran also tried to ask in the same question, and walked over to his friend. 'Figured that the flowers needed more air conditioning in the summer. Looks like the theory's wrong.'

Not sure of what to do with the situation and the rose, Ran puts it back into the cabinet. Dead behind glass, the roses looked like a museum exhibit. A representation of death that was good to look at. Beautifully dead.

'Come on, stop that brooding. We're going to Okinawa! Water skiing, scuba diving, sun sea sand, beach babes, all of that!'

Ran tries to pay no attention to the arm swung across his shoulders but failed as Youji pushed him out of the room, doing his best to sound like a walking holiday brochure.

Casting a final glance at the misted glass cabinet, Ran wondered, even though everybody call him beautiful and used roses to describe him because of his hair - even Omi, Ken and Youji did at one point or another - if he was only an exhibit that looked good behind glass but considered dead, unlovable.

It seemed fitting. He was an assassin. No one was supposed to love him.

* * *

The group of islands merely two hours' flight from Tokyo felt like a paradise detached from the breathlessness one felt in the capital city.

The sunshine was great, especially for _KenKen_ to get his tan as he scorched himself alive and for Ran to make himself look less like a halogen lamp, as Youji put it. As if to test that prediction, Ken sat under the midday sun on the porch of a simple 2-floored house Persia had provided them with, one like what a holiday maker would rent just to get away from the commerciality of the hotels. Glancing over from where he sat, he could just see Youji stretching out on the couch, turning to face the wall instead of the TV. The man was saying something Ken could not hear from that far away.

Ran was out to sort out their training sessions for operating in water and Omi was upstairs doing computer work, so Ken decided Youji must be speaking to him, and he got up.

'Hey man, what did you say?'

Youji's form stiffened on the couch, then he turned around, rather wearily, to look at Ken. He also glanced around as if trying to find something. 'Are you sizzling up yet?'

Youji was a good actor, but he wasn't in shape, and Ken was no fool. Ken paused for a moment, weighing his choices. Leave Youji alone, or ask him if he was okay? Youji would prefer the first option, but that would not be beneficial to anyone.

'What's the problem, Youji?'

* * *

Youji left the house in a daze. He pushed past Ran, shoulders bumping, without noticing, and staggered his way into the sunshine.

In that fraction of a second, when he saw Youji's eyes, empty of emotions and purpose, Ran turned around and chased after him. Those eyes were too much like his own after Takatori attacked his family that Ran could not leave the man alone, because he knew Youji _needed_ him. He was the only who understood what the wavy-haired one needed at that moment.

Youji walked. He didn't know his way around the island, but he walked. Goddammit, Ken and Omi only saw him as a freak. _'I see dead people'_, huh? This was life, not some fucking Hollywood movie. This was no joke. He knew he shouldn't have told them, and hell, he knew so many things were wrong and he still did them. His whole fucking life was one fucking big mistake.

Eventually Youji became aware of the sound of crashing water, of waves hitting rocks. His feet carried him in that direction, unaware of the redhead following after him, calling his name but not daring to touch him in any way, as if knowing his sanity was a guitar string wounded too tightly it would snap at the gentlest touch.

They walked until they reached what must be the edge of this island, where large rocks piled randomly, constantly destroying waves as waves wore them over the years in return. It was a suicidal, pointless power struggle, like just about all wars in the world. Not giving a damn about getting wet, since he couldn't find the strength to give anything a damn at that moment, Youji sat down on one of the larger rocks, and finally took a look around him. Since arriving in Okinawa, he never really paid attention to the scenery and surroundings.

How long had he been walking? One could only see the lasts of the dying rays of the sun as it sank below the horizon, lighting the thin clouds and the sky all shades of reds and oranges. For a moment, it was as if the sky had been tainted by blood. All Youji could see was the bleeding sky, its blood soaking into the ocean as the rays reflected on the water surface, giving it an equally beautiful yet horrid orange colour. The air was so damp and hot that when the winds raised it felt as if someone was breathing onto him, drenching his skin and clothes in their perspiration. But, despite that, this could have been Eden because his mind was silent, there was no one to accuse him of insanity or to laugh at his 'wild imagination' or to haunt him and try to tip his balance or to judge him. There was a blessed - or may be not so blessed - silence.

He almost jumped when he saw Ran standing just ten feet behind him with a face full of confusion, wondering what he should do.

'The hell! Are you another ghost, Aya? You don't make a sound when you walk?'

Ran frowned. Arms crossed, he spat back. 'You just didn't hear me.'

A thought crossed Youji's mind. Now he was being accused of not listening. Who wasn't listening? Who didn't take him seriously? He didn't reply.

'What's with you now? We're in Okinawa. Water skiing, scuba diving, sun sea sand... like you've said. Yet you look more worn out than you were in Tokyo.'

Oh, great shock, a few full sentences from Fujimiya Ran. Youji was glad he didn't blow up at the redhead just now. Ran didn't need any misdirected anger, he was just being a friend. Youji told Ken he wouldn't exploit on Ran anymore, and he intend to follow his word. What Youji had to do was stay calm and tell Ran the same thing he told Ken and Omi and hope for the best - that no one would call Manx to get him a psychiatrist who would pronounce him nuts beyond salvation.

If only one person he trusted would believe him.

'I'll let you in on a little secret, Aya...'

But would anyone believe in something so ridiculous?

[onto part 4]


	5. Part 4

**R e d S e a**

Part Four

The water was warm, Youji could even feel it's tenderness seeping through his diving suit as he glided in it, breathing through a regulator and looking on with the help of an underwater torch. Very soon, he found no use of the torch anymore and tucked it back into place in his belt. He did not come down to the water for its scenery of corals and aquatic animals - anyone wanting to see those would not come at this hour of the day - but for the calmness it brought to him. He could be somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, not weary of a haunting spirit or anything else that wanted to suffocate him, or the fact that he was probably the one suffocating not only the women but also his friends.

At one time Youji wondered if life felt like this in a mother's womb, just floating in the warmth and be protected. This was wrong entirely, he knew it, he was only protected because his friends would always be around, fully aware of the dangers of hidden currents and changing tides. They tolerated his juvenility and couldn't bring themselves to just let Youji scuba dive on his own. But it was fine by him, his friends would stay at a distance, just watching and minding their own business. Unless they use their communication device, no one could hear what each other was doing, and it was this promise of silence that Youji returned to again and again, feeling himself renewed every time he comes back to the surface.

Renewed, at least to a certain extent.

Youji found this to be the substitute for alcohol and slumber.

But Neu never did let him go. Her endless challenges to his sanity was breaking him, and superstitiously, he believed breaking Asuka's _Tokyo University_ mug had released Neu's spirit, despite Ran's sure words: what's dead, is dead.

Ran, his companion this day, had switched his own torch off when Youji did to his, as a respect to his need for darkness. It was unsafe, of course, to do this, but it could be part of their under water training. Who could predict what conditions they would operate in? After perhaps fifteen minutes, though, the redhead flashed his light and pointed at his gauge, and then the regulator, an indication that they should leave because they would soon run out of gas in their tanks.

Youji got changed in time just to take a call on his mobile phone from Omi and Ken, insisting that they have sushi and sashimi for dinner.

'Well, you kids come out and we'll go someplace together.'

'Please, Youji-kun! Buy take-out!'

Youji mumbled. 'You shouldn't make your elders do degrading things of buying food for the well-bodied, lazy bunch. I'm an old man...' He paused, grumbled, and changed his mind. 'Oh hell, I'll treat.'

Standing by Youji, Ran almost snickered at the predictable final reply. They had to get home and clean up anyway, so it was best to buy take-out and then go back.

'Those two's probably been watching those cookery competitions on TV again. It's always on Sundays.' Youji snorted as he pocketed his phone, but the prospect of food after sports was good and upon discovering they had no cash, they found a bank and went through the swipe-card door to the cash dispensers.

Ten minutes later, the two of them were sitting down by the cash dispensers as Youji laughed. 'I always imagined what it'll be like when you get a power cut whilst getting money in the bank, you know? I thought they probably have back-up power so that you don't get locked in.'

Ran looked at the door, whose locking mechanism refused to work without electricity, and shook his head slowly. This was the type of lock only Omi could open, and without power, not even Omi could do it.

'Well at least I got my cash before it all went dark.' Youji laughed again and called Omi and Ken, telling them the situation. They said they would get help for them quickly, but with the town in a little chaos that power cuts always bring, it might take a while before help arrived.

Youji tapped a cigarette out of his pack, and then realised that smoke detectors often worked on batteries, and he would be trapping the poor redhead in a haze of smoke in this little room, so he sighed and gave up.

Ran studied this series of little movements, and a question, for once, came out before he knew he was speaking. 'Why do you smoke?'

'Why don't you?' Came Youji's quick reply. 'And don't tell me the bullshit about health reasons. If you're worried about your health you wouldn't own a sword.'

Ran thought about it.

'One can say I'm choosing death by lung cancer but hey, even though it's not the most dignified way to die, it's at least more normal compared to getting a bullet in my head.

'Most things are a matter of choice. I chose to hang around the girls, to smoke, and you chose not to; Omi chose to use darts and explosives whereas Ken prefer using his strength.' Youji played with the packet of cigarettes in his hand, not looking at his friend. 'Say, why did you choose to believe what I said the other day, whereas Omi and Ken chose to think I've gone nuts?'

Ran juggled the words in his mind, trying to say something that made sense, and he eventually opted for silence, fearing that he would sound idiotic. Oh, if Aya saw this, she would rant at him about being unwillingly withdrawn again. But when he glanced at Youji, the taller man had that 'I'm-still-waiting' look on his face, helpfully forcing him to put his thoughts into speech.

'We're different people in the same world, but not necessarily the same reality. You see her, I don't, it doesn't mean you're lying.' Ran took a breath. 'Even if she isn't real, even if she is your imagination, you live it as if she is in your reality. To you, she is real. That's all that matters.'

It took a while to realise Youji was staring at him, and he bowed slightly, hiding his eyes under red bangs. He felt idiotic - who in the world would understand a theory like that? He perhaps was really damned for silence forever.

'You didn't believe me, then.'

Ran looked up again. 'No, I don't believe she's there, but that's not to say you're lying.'

Youji chewed his lip.

'You must accept before you can believe, but acceptance can't guarantee belief.' Ran whispered as if telling a secret he didn't want the security cameras to pick up. Could they pick up sounds? He didn't know, but their lifeless lenses peered down at him like dead eyes and that made him feel so uneasy.

Or maybe there was another reason for his discomfort, but he would not admit to that because he wasn't aware of it yet.

Youji blinked a few times, then mopped his hair away from his eyes and chuckled. 'Acceptance is good enough.'

He made his way across the cold floor to sit beside the redhead, and without a further word between them except for the comment 'hope I don't need to piss before someone opens the door', they fell asleep despite the unnerving feelings of being watched by cameras or a woman's spirit.

By the time they woke and got out of the little room, Ran knew his reason of nervousness. It wasn't because of mechanical eyes that recorded their every move, or a restless ghost that Youji said to have seen.

It was just because of Youji.

* * *

He had a dream.

Pale corpses floated in water. Hundreds of them. They had been burned and cut, but somehow Youji knew they felt none of it - they were dead before anything was afflicted onto them. They were suffocated to death. Their cooling blood oozed out of the dead bodies, tainting the water with red. Youji found himself imagining how a paintbrush cleanses in a jar of water, red paint mixing into purity in an irreversible action. The sea could never be the same again.

Then he was dunked under.

Youji kicked and swam, trying to go down deeper to avoid the crimson tide that was reaching for him from above, but without his diving gear, he couldn't go deep and couldn't breathe. He must go up.

When he looked up, he saw through the red haze of blood water, and saw every down-turned face of every corpse.

Every single one of them. Eyes closed or open, lips parted in a final scream or shut tight, fists clenched or loose, hair tied or cut short.

In the water, Youji screamed, but he couldn't hear himself. There was only silence.

Every single one of them had Asuka's face.

He screamed and screamed. But no one heard him. Not even himself.

* * *

Ken paused at the doorway, deciding if he should enter or leave. Chocolate brown bangs shielded eyes that darted from one side of the room to the other, curious but not wanting to disturb. His experience of living with his friends told him what he saw or heard was not normal, or at least unusual.

'... I drank night and day, like there was no past and no future to me.'

And then Ran looked up from the coffee jug, violet eyes holding Ken's own, silently offering hot coffee, so Ken knew it was okay for him to step in. Ran took another mug and continued on as he poured the brown caffeine liquid.

'... And then I realised drinking only made me think more.'

At the couch, Youji nodded slightly, then shifted to let Ken sit down. Ken twitched a little, not used to hearing Ran leading a conversation, especially one that centred around himself. Looking closer, Ken could see dark circles under Youji's eyes.

'Um? What's up?'

'Uh, you look dead tired.' Ken peered a bit closer at Youji. 'Why don't you go to sleep?'

Youji hesitated in answering. He took a mug from Ran, inhaled the vapour deeply like he would to a cigarette, taking his time as if, Ken noticed, seeing if he should answer that simple question at all.

'I'm getting recurring dreams.' Youji shut his eyes and kept breathing in the warm scent of caffeine. 'If I sleep, they come. It's been the fourth night. Aya's just keeping me occupied so that I don't fall asleep again.'

'But you have to sleep sometime!'

'You don't understand what I'm seeing, Ken...'

'Well you haven't told me yet.'

Not when Ken didn't even attempt to understand that he was seeing Asuka, Youji knew there was no point explaining. He shook his head, ending the conversation.

Ken snorted. So the drinking wasn't the problem after all. And there he was, so delighted to find that his friend found a hobby in scuba diving, thinking that it would help him take his mind off things.

'Look, you're the one who said I don't understand, but you don't even want to explain it to me. What am I supposed to do?' Ken got up.

'Nothing.'

'Say that again.'

Youji sighed. 'Just leave me for a while, _KenKen_. I'm sorry.'

Ken wanted to say more, but held himself back when Youji leaned forward, resting his arms on his thighs, looking more than tired. He looked weary of everything around him. He knew Youji wasn't a man who gives up easily. He had his own way of dealing with things, and Ken was no one to judge if Youji was handling it the right way. Most importantly, as long as Youji knew Ken was there to help, Ken could stop worrying because although Youji didn't like asking for help, being the survivor he was, he was someone who knew his own limits.

'I'm going back to sleep. Look... if you need anything, I'll be around.'

'Thanks.'

Ken glanced at Ran, who gave him an affirmative nod that he would take care of Youji, before he left.

'And then what happened, Aya?'

'... Where was I?'

'Drinking. Did you take up the sword after that?'

Ran shifted a bit on the couch. 'I did _kendo_ in school, so...'

Youji smiled, helping his friend to continue. 'So it was natural.'

Ran closed his eyes, recalling how he received his first sword. It felt like it only happened yesterday, but also as if it never happened. '_Kendo_ helps relaxing the mind... most sports do.'

'But I don't know if I want to get into the water again.' Youji drank his coffee, hoping the caffeine would still have some effect on him. His eyelids were coming down and his mind was shutting off. The redhead's voice sounded like he spoke under water.

_He was suspended in the water, he couldn't go up, couldn't go down. The blood was getting thicker, the redness was diffusing its way towards him. Faces of the corpses above him were soon hidden by the red veil. Yet he could still feel their eyes looking down at him, accusing, cursing, unforgiving._

And then, through the thick glue of red blood, a pale, almost white arm stretched out for him. The palm was wide open and it pushed through the redness, coming closer, closer...

He screamed again, but no sound came out. They were coming for him, they must be coming for him, they would strangle him the way he did to Asuka and to all the women he bedded.

Youji's face snapped up.

Ran was studying the Chinese writings on his mug, not looking at Youji as he spoke. 'Ken is right. You can't stay awake forever.'

Youji rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palm. 'Sorry. What were you saying?'

'Asking why you don't want to dive anymore.' Ran put down his coffee quietly, his voice in a whisper. 'But it's not important. You must rest.'

It was only then that Youji realised he never described his recurring dream to his friend. Ran hadn't known what was going on all along but he sat here, helping him to kill time. Why, wasn't the redhead interested?

'It's to do with my dream. I hope it isn't a bad omen.'

The only response he got from Ran, who suddenly got up and walked towards him, was a well placed back chop that knocked him into peaceful unconsciousness.

[onto part 5]


	6. Part 5

**R e d S e a**

Part Five

'Li'l fucker...' Waking with a sharp pain between his shoulders, Youji cursed under his breath as his hand found its way to the spot to rub and soothe the ache without much success. He should have guessed the redhead would do that - Ran had the tendency to try and solve problems too patiently, and then upon realising it is beyond his scope, run and bang into the problem head-first, hoping it would somehow give way. In other words, he does it by force.

_Brutal_ force. Youji remarked, fighting back low blood pressure induced dizziness as he got out of his room, knowing nobody was in. As expected, there was a note for him on the coffee table, Omi's handwriting informing him of his friends' whereabouts: Aya-kun has 'disappeared off somewhere', Ken-kun 'went to get groceries' and Omi himself was 'in the woods nearby'.

Youji grumbled something that meant no sense to even himself as he examined a smaller line of writing along the bottom: _Manx came back from Blockbuster's, it's in the VCR_.

A quick check of his watch told him why his friends did not wake for him to watch the video - he had slept for over 30 hours straight. Low blood pressure was still making his head spin when he rewinded the tape, feeling a bit uneasy that he had to watch it on his own. When he got back from the kitchen with a bottle of energy drink to get some glucose into his system, the tape was ready. Youji picked up the remote control, and hesitated. Maybe it was all the build-up. Coming all the way to Okinawa, the underwater training, the long time they had to wait... he wasn't sure if he actually wanted to know about the mission at all.

He was half way through the video when Omi and Ken came back with arms full of food. "Youji-kun, did you sleep well?"

Youji paused the video, almost relieved that there were more people in the house. "Like a baby."

"Have you eaten yet?"

"Later. After the video."

"Oh, okay." At the mention of the video, Omi and Ken lost their smiles. They put down their shopping and retreated to their rooms, not wanting to watch it again.

Ran came back just after them. He stopped the video before Youji could finish watching it.

"You're not going." There was no harshness, or in fact any emotions, in Ran's voice. It was a statement not a suggestion.

"How come?" Slightly taken back, Youji looked at his friend, puzzled. That couldn't be Manx's or Persia's - whoever it is now - idea.

"You know why." Another statement.

Youji almost smiled, shaking his head. "Look, thanks for worrying, but I can do missions just fine."

"No you can't." Ran raised his voice a little to emphasise his point. Purple eyes fixed on green ones. "Your mental and physical health is failing you. I can't let you go on this mission."

Chuckling now, Youji held his hand up, gesturing Ran to stop speaking. "No, Aya, I am going. Don't play commander on me."

By the time Omi and Ken joined them in the lounge, the tone of the conversation had changed. They were standing dangerously close, and Youji's fists were held tight, ready to throw them at the redhead at a moment's choice. "You are NOT telling me what to do, Aya. You won't be doing this without me, because you can't complete this mission with only three people!"

"We can. Face it Youji, you aren't fit enough for it. We can't spend our time making sure you're alright whilst blowing up a boat."

"You know what? Sometimes I just wanna smash your fucking face in - "

"Youji!" Ken leaped forward and tackled Youji to the couch just as Youji was about to hit Ran hard in the face. "Cool it!"

"Stop playing the know-it-all, Aya, 'cause you don't understand a fucking thing!" Pinned to the couch, Youji tried throwing Ken off. No fucking way would he take this from Ran of all people. He would not be excluded. No fucking way. "You can't do it with three people, and I'm not a burden! You know it Aya, you need me in this mission! I'm not staying here waiting for all of you to get fucking killed!"

There was a moment of silence. Ran decided to say nothing until Youji calmed down. Ken loosened his grip and eventually let go of Youji when he felt the tension leave. Youji sat up, buried his face in his hands, and words came.

"Let me do it, Aya. I have to fight. I must fight."

* * *

The mission was nowhere near Okinawa. The time on the island was merely a time for them to relax and obtain the training necessary, since Weiss has never operated on the sea before.

Their mission was to destroy a human trade ring. Countless of people every year spend all their life savings to escape their homelands, hoping to seek new life elsewhere. This illegal immigration had existed for decades. People were packed into tiny rooms or cargo stores whilst they were shipped to a brighter future, only to die on their way there, starved of food, water, or oxygen. Of those who make their way to Europe, some would seek asylum, some would provide labour in the black market with no minimum wage or maximum working hours.

And some would fall under Weiss' target's control when they board the ship, thinking that there were going to Europe when they were in fact shipped to Japan. Some were sold to the human hunting game the Takatoris used to run, some sold as slaves, some end up in prostitution. For them, there was no legal status, there was no freedom, and there was no escape. Their dreams were traded for a life of captivity.

"We've been instructed to remove the target, rescue these people and then destroy the ship. It's disguised as a large fishing boat, one of those that travel to waters just outside the country's border." Ran pointed at several areas on the map. This was all old information, but it was their practice to go over things again and again until it couldn't be clearer. "Omi?"

Promptly Omi produced a sheet of paper, with estimated times and route of the target's boat. A photograph showed the target's face, and the type of boat he used.

Jobs were allocated. Youji was to perform a smooth rescue, transporting the captives onto their own boat and providing cover if necessary. Omi was in charge of explosives, whilst Ken and Ran were to take down the target.

There were also three contingency plans, although none of them were prepared for what they were going to find.

* * *

"Siberian and Abyssinian?" 

"In position." 

"Balinese?" 

"In position. I hate not having an element of surprise." 

"And I hate feeling that I have so little control." Omi muttered, knowing that they had to stop the target's boat by force instead of sneaking onboard, which increased the danger of the mission. They had explored the options of diving, or waiting until the boat docks, but for all sorts of reasons, this was the only way. "The target boat is in sight. We're getting closer. They seem to have noticed us. Fishing boats normally don't get so close, you know." 

"On the sound of your fire, then." Poised on the roof, Youji laid face down to avoid becoming an obvious target once the other boat senses danger. 

"Okay, here I go!" Omi lifted his mini version of a rocket launcher, aimed at a spot where there would be no immediate structural damage, and fired. 

"Man, that's a much bigger hole than I thought!" Ken and Ran sprang into action, ducking for cover at the first round of bullets as Omi tried to steer their boat closer to the target. 

"There's going to be a small collision, hold on!" Omi yelled as one fishing boat rammed into the other. Once within range, Youji, Ken and Ran jumped aboard the other boat. As Ken and Ran ran ahead, Youji began looking for places where people could be hidden, being as invisible as possible so the target would think there were only two invaders on his boat. 

Youji stopped outside the engine room. Something was telling him that this was the place. The sound of crossfire upstairs was urging him to be quick. But a voice was telling him not to open the door. 

"Shut up, Neu." He lifted the latch, and pulled the door open. 

* * *

"Balinese, are you getting them out?" Omi shouted down the communicator, but there was no response. "Abyssinian?" 

There were sounds of struggle. It was a good ten seconds before Ran replied. "Target is down."

"But there are two rather persistent - fuck - okay, one rather persistent guy who wouldn't give up!" Ken hissed. The said man had moved himself to the roof and was shooting at them from above. "Has Balinese got the people out? Abyssinian's got a bullet in his leg! I think we can opt for plan C!"

Which was to get back onto their own boat, gain distance and destroy the target's boat and anybody onboard with it from afar. 

"I haven't had anything from Balinese at all, guys! And I think you have less than two minutes, the hole I blew seems to be quite serious! The engine room's on fire!" 

Ken frowned, taking off a bugnuk and reaching for his gun. There was no way he could use a close-range weapon on the madman. At the same time, Ran disappeared round the back of the boat in search for Youji, ignoring the pain in his leg. He ran through the pilot's room and other smaller areas before smelling a strong stench. The smell was beyond sickening, and Ran had to fight down the sudden urge to throw up. 

And then he found Youji, and knew the answer for Youji's silence. 

The thirty captives were dead.

Youji was holding himself up with shaky knees, having just thrown up whatever there was in his stomach. Ran felt his knees giving too, the smell of thirty fermenting corpses burning in an engine room was enough to make his body go weak. Where the door opened, bodies spilled out one on top of the other. The captives obviously were suffocating and being baked alive in the summer heat. They tried to get out of the room, but were locked in and nobody outside knew what was going on there. The faces that were yellow and grey with hints of blue vividly told Ran their desperation in their last moments. Eyes that were wide and bulging from their sockets, mouths that were wide open for the non-existant oxygen...

Ran could not look anymore. Tasting acid in his mouth, he turned away and covered his lips with a hand. His body was weaker than he would like it to be.

"Come on!" Suddenly, somebody was yanking him by his arm. "We're gonna sink!" 

Ken covered his nose with one hand and not dared to look at the engine room. He could guess what had happened. The three of them jumped, as far as they could from the burning boat, into the water. Their own fishing boat was a distance away and Omi was on a speedboat nearby to pick them up. 

As the fire reached the fuel tank, a series of explosions began and the boat behind them started to tilt and sink. The three swam as fast as they could, objects falling off the burning boat narrowly missing them. 

"Youji-kun!" Omi was screaming his lungs out, trying to get his speedboat as close as he could. A piece of falling metal had hit Youji, and he went under. 

* * *

_Pale corpses floated in water. Their cooling blood oozed out of the dead bodies, tainting the water with red._

_Youji kicked and swam, trying to go down deeper to avoid the crimson tide that was reaching for him from above._

_When he looked up, he saw through the red haze of blood water, and saw every down-turned face of every corpse._

_Every single one of them. Eyes closed or open, lips parted in a final scream or shut tight, fists clenched or loose, hair tied or cut short._

_In the water, Youji screamed, but he couldn't hear himself. There was only silence._

_Every single one of them had Asuka's face._

_The blood was getting thicker, the redness was diffusing its way towards him. Faces of the corpses above him were soon hidden by the red veil. Yet he could still feel their eyes looking down at him, accusing, cursing, unforgiving._

_And then, through the thick glue of red blood, a pale, almost white arm stretched out for him. The palm was wide open and it pushed through the redness, coming closer, closer..._

[onto part 6]


	7. Part 6

**R e d S e a**

Part Six

Ran had his hand pressed firmly on where he was shot, and refused to look there. He did not need to scare himself, raise his own heartbeat and in turn lose more blood. Instead, he examined his wet suit. Where it ripped, the sleeve had came of completely. There was a slash created by a piece of metal in the water when they escaped, but that injury was nothing to worry about.

Youji had frantically pushed him away when Ran tried to get to him under water, and Ran almost had to wrestle him out. Once in the speedboat, Youji stared at his friend for a long while, until his eyes suddenly flickered with recognition as if he did not know who it was that dragged him out of the water earlier. Then he turned away to look at the sinking boat until they got back on their own boat, by which time things turned urgent.

"Where's the fucking kit?" Youji yelled, his head still bleeding from the impact earlier. "I need some fucking tweezers and anaesthetic!"

No anaesthetic, nothing. The boat they were on did not even have anything they could dig out the bullet with, but they had to fix up Ran's leg soon, because it was at least half a day before they could get on shore.

Sitting on a table, Ran had his leg stretched out and was applying as much pressure as he could to the wound. He was intensifying the pain himself, but he had no choice.

"Omi, go and drive this goddamn boat."

"Youji-kun, you're bleeding too - "

"Go! Get us back on shore!" Youji pointed at the controls, leaving no room for discussion. "Ken, find me some cloth! Anything!"

Youji picked up his bag he brought to the boat on their way to the mission, and waited until Ken came back with his own shirt, and started ripping it apart with the help of Ran's katana.

"Aya." Youji looked at Ran in the eye. "Do you trust me?"

The redhead stared at his friend, and nodded.

With that, Youji dug out his packet of cigarettes and began tearing open each one, collecting the leaves inside. Then he took out his glasses and carefully took off the arms, revealing two small blades that were concealed inside. With his lighter, he burned the blades to sterilise them.

"Hold the torch for me." Youji pointed at the wound, and Ken shone the light on.

Ready to begin, Youji asked again. "Aya, do you trust me?"

"Do it." Ran muttered.

"Bite." Youji rolled up a piece of cloth, and Ran held it with his teeth. This was going to be unpleasant. He looked away when Youji started to insert the blades into the wound.

"Be absolutely still, Aya. It's two centimetres from your artery." Youji whispered. "I'll get it out for you."

Ran was in too much pain to either agree or object. He bit hard on the cloth, his hands desperately looking for something to grip on.

A moment later, Youji had managed to put the tip of his blades into the groove of the bullet. Slowly, he tweezed out the foreign object, dropping it unceremoniously on the table. More blood came pouring out. He gathered the cigarette leaves onto a new piece of cloth.

"This will hurt bad. Really bad. But it'll stop the blood and kill germs temporarily." Youji told his friend. "Aya, grab my hand."

Fingers twined together.

"I hope you like _Silk Cut_."

Getting the bullet out was nothing compared to this. Ran's hand squeezed hard on Youji's, showing white knuckles, and the cloth he had been biting on fell as he opened his mouth to scream.

Beside them, Ken thought Ran was going to faint.

But he held out. Ken wrapped up the wound with more torn shirt, and then tended to Youji's head wound, which Youji himself had forgotten about.

Nobody said anything more until they were back in the house, and gave Ran's wound a proper clean-up.

"What happened, Ken-kun?" Omi went to the porch, where Ken rested under the sun.

The weather was sinfully good. Ken wished it would at least rain a little, it seemed more appropriate. Thirty lives just went, dammit.

"Ken-kun?"

"They were dead when we got there. Suffocated in the heat. I'm glad you didn't see it; it was enough to make Youji and Aya wrench. I didn't even dare look."

Omi held his breath as he imagined the scene, then he shook his head. No, he did not even want to imagine. "Ken-kun... would you - "

"Yeah, I'm going to." Ken did not need Omi to finish. "You go check Aya out?"

* * *

Omi found Ran in the bathroom, cleaning the arm wound and replacing bandages. Omi went forward to help. "Aya-kun, you are okay?"

"Hm." Ran bit his lip. "Omi, would you have let Youji gone on this mission?"

Omi paused to comb his blonde hair out of the way with a hand, then continued wrapping the bandage. "I would have done what you did. He asked to go, Aya-kun"

In the water, Youji had pushed him away. Through his goggles, Ran could see the fear on Youji's face, it looked almost like hatred, like an accusation. Despite being in water, Ran thought he could hear Youji telling him to get away from him. Or maybe he read it from Youji's lips. In fact, the whole of Youji's reaction to him screamed "get away from me". But then suddenly he...

Ran could guess Youji saw something when he went under. Something that seemed to have hurt and shaken him.

Ran got up, glanced at Omi, touched the bandage that was carefully put on for him, and left the bathroom.

Omi knew fully well that it was a "thank you" in Fujimiya Ran's language.

* * *

"_KenKen_." Youji smiled the usual Youji-smile as Ken entered the bedroom. "What can I do for you, young man? You don't look so well. Would some tea cheer you up?"

"We need to talk about what happened, Youji." Ken sighed, finding a place to sit on the bed. "We have to submit the report to Manx by tomorrow."

"I don't know what happened, _KenKen_."

"Well neither do I, Youji, but - "

"I mean I really don't know." Youji's smile was gone. He glanced outside his window, where there was a good view of the sea. The sun was still high, and there were people doing water sports. "It felt like a long dream."

On a normal day, Ken would have thought Youji was joking. But Youji looked lost, as if he could not tell what happened was real or not. "What do you mean?"

"What happened?"

"The mission, yeah, you remember that? Aya got shot. You cleaned that up on the boat." Ken got an affirmative nod from Youji. "You got hit by some falling metal when we were swimming for our lives?"

Youji looked inside his head. He could vaguely remember something like that. "Yeah."

"After that, we dived down to get you."

After that...

"By that time, the boat's half gone, all those... thirty corpses had joined us in the water." Ken recalled, fighting back an urge to pour his stomach out. Bodies were blown apart, tainting the water red. Ken remembered swimming pass the head of a young woman. The water tasted of blood. "After a while, Aya dragged you out. You don't remember that bit? At all?"

"No..." In the water...

"Well I don't blame you, you got hit on the head. Hey, let me check." Ken went over to Youji and checked the bandages around Youji's head. There was caked blood in his hair, but the bleeding had almost stopped. If they try to clean it up though, it might start again. "I think you need to get this stitched up."

"Small job. You can do it." Youji dismissed the seriousness with a wave of his hand.

Ken laughed, backing off. "Omi's got steadier hands!"

"_KenKen_," Youji rolled his eyes. He knew Ken didn't like doing anything medical unless he absolutely had to. "You've got to practice once in a while."

"Yes, but not on your head. I'm off. I'll get Omi for you."

* * *

"I told you not to open the door."

"Just so that I would open it."

"What, are you blaming me now?" There was a hint of amusement in her voice. "I never knew you were capable of blaming others."

"Am I supposed to be flattered?" He chuckled a little bitterly. "What do you want from me? Is this not enough for you?"

She did not answer.

Youji rubbed the cream onto his hand, which had gone black and blue after Ran gripped it hard on the boat. He could not feel it then, seeing his friend in that sort of pain had diverted his attention away completely. Now, studying his own hand, he wondered if any permanent damage was done. At the moment, the hand was completely useless, the joints hurt when he tried to hold things.

"For the best, I think. You probably can't strangle any more women now."

"It's none of your fucking business."

"Of course it is. You do remember what you did to me..." Neu paused. "Next time, bastard."

"Youji, dinner." Ken appeared beside the open door, wearing his pajamas, chocolate brown hair uncombed. It had been less than 24 hours since the mission, and they decided they would rest until further notice.

"No thanks, Ken. I'm going out." Youji lit a cigarette using his good hand, with a little difficulty.

None of it missed Ken's eyes. "Your hand?"

Youji smiled around his cigarette. "Don't tell Aya, you know him." Putting on his sunglasses, he waved. "Gone now, don't miss me."

"Hey, Youji..." Ken called as his friend pushed past him to leave.

"Hm?"

"Don't drink too much, huh?"

Youji only replied with a dismissive wave.

* * *

In the water, Youji saw Asuka. Everywhere above him, in every face, through the tainted sea water.

Then her hand pushed through that water, reaching for him.

He fought with all his strength, pushing her away. All he knew was that she was coming for him. It was the same nightmare he had over and over again.

But then something was different. He stopped and wondered what he was doing. Why push her away when there was nothing to fear? There really was nothing to fear. Even if he was going to die... so what?

Youji stopped. Instead of pushing Asuka away, he grabbed her and pulled her towards him, holding her close.

Everything stood still.

Then he was back up the surface.

It felt like a dream. It was just like one of his dreams, with a new ending. No, that was not it. He never saw the ending in his dreams. He would see the hand, and then he would wake up.

But... did that really happen, was it not just a dream? And... that was Ran?

* * *

Youji would prefer to go clubbing, but that would not be good for his head. He ate some fastfood and wandered around a little before going back. There was no need to eat with the guys and let Ran notice his hand. The consequences of making Ran feel guilty about something are often catastrophic and he would rather avoid such an unhealthy situation.

"Manx's arranged to have us fly back tomorrow."

"Greetings to you too, Aya." Youji laughed as he locked the door. "You prefer the light off?"

"Do you still see her, Youji?" Ran's purple eyes glistened in the dark. "Neu."

Youji found himself looking for something to fidget. He found the ashtray and squashed his cigarette butt, took off his shoes, and sat down on the couch.

"Youji."

"Yeah."

"... You saw her in the water."

"I was hallucinating. It wasn't until I talked with Ken afterwards that I realised it wasn't one of my dreams. Sorry."

"It's fine." Getting the answer, Ran got up, ready to go to bed. "... What does she say to you?"

Youji could not bear the thought of letting his friends know that he was strangling every woman he went to bed with.

"Go and rest, Aya. You've got a gunshot wound to heal."

* * *

Gentle breezes entered the room through the open window. The night was hot but not overwhelmingly so, just enough for Ran to rest comfortably without needing air conditioning. The house was silent after Ken came over to check on him and said goodnight, dropping painkillers on the bedside table in case Ran needed them to sleep. Birman also called earlier and extracted a promise from him that he would see her when they get back to Tokyo, so that she could make sure he heal properly. It reminded him of his sister and his parents.

He had a cigarette lit between his fingers. He had not smoked for a few years, but he stole one from Youji's pack on the coffee table. Youji probably knew. He had a talent for spotting small changes in things, and had lifted an eyebrow when he picked up the pack.

_"I hope you like Silk Cut."_

He does.

[onto part 7]


	8. Part 7

**R e d S e a**

Part Seven

Something changed.

Omi could not put his finger on it, but something had changed since their mission in Okinawa. Something subtle that he could not, and would not, write into his report for Manx.

Something subtle, such as Ran cutting his own hair. Nothing new, really, Ran had always cut his own hair since Omi knew him, but never before did he leave the back to grow as he did now. Ran used to reach back or ask someone to help him trim the back. The red eartails, Ran's trademark, were gone.

Something subtle, such as Youji talking to no one. Omi knew it was Neu, illusion or ghost.

Something subtle, such as Ken's nervous smile when the word "mission" was mentioned.

It had been two days since their return to Tokyo and the report still was not complete. Manx had raised an eyebrow to Omi's uncharacteristic lateness. But what could he write? The dynamics within the group was changing, he had seen several such changes in the last few years, but this time Omi was not sure he liked what he saw.

Omi frowned at the computer, and wished that he could skip the task altogether.

* * *

If Youji ever noticed his cigarettes were going missing - Ran was sure he did - he did not say anything.

It was a typical Japanese summer night, humid and windless. Youji hopped out of the M-CAT, cigarette and lighter in hand, and found Ran leaning on the back of the trailer, half way through the cigarette he stole. He took one from Youji's pack every night.

"Hey, how's your leg?"

Ran lifted his leg and swung it a little, then kicked high enough to almost hit Youji's chin. Of course it hurt, but it was prove that the recovery will be a full one. "Your head?"

Youji laughed around his cigarette. "Terrible. Look, I've got a bald spot." He said, bending down to let the shorter man see where his hair was shaved off for the stitches. "It's gonna look funny when it grows back. A short bunch of hair sticking out."

"Cut it all off then?" The redhead mused.

"Just because you're changing your hairstyle, Aya, it doesn't mean everybody else should." Running a hand through the tangled mess on his head, Youji pondered the idea of hacking it all off. One day, maybe. Yes, he should chop it all off for a change. Something in him was changing. A year ago, he would never even think about such a crazy idea. "Hey, you know what I always do?"

Ran lifted a curious eyebrow, and moved away as Youji pressed a button to open up the back of the M-CAT. He then settled himself on the floor amidst the flowers, and gestured Ran to join him.

Ran had finished his nightly smoke, and killed the butt by grinding it with his shoe. He laid on the floor of their "flowershop" beside Youji, watching him blow smoke rings above their heads. Back in the old _Koneko no Sumu Ie_, smoking was strictly prohibited. Ran himself had made a point of forbidding Youji to smoke inside the trailer as well, although right now he could not care less.

"You didn't smoke so much before, Aya." It was an understatement. Youji had never seen Ran smoke until recently.

"Just to see which will come first. Death by lung cancer and death by an open wound." The redhead glanced at his friend. "Which would you prefer?"

Youji looked inside his head for an answer.

"After Asuka died," His voice was a whisper, "I used to think I'd wound up burning barbeque coal in a room to kill myself. Or turn on the gas taps or something. Something painless. You know that people's skin turn pink in gas-deaths?"

Ran did not reply.

"Which is weird, because nobody ever really think they're suicidal. Not until the moment comes when he can't cope anymore. Turns out I don't even have it in me to kill myself." A pause. "I'm not so desperate to die anymore. I'd prefer to go the normal way. I'd grow old, rely on social services because I have no kids to care about me and then die of hypothermia in my rocking chair watching old soaps. The normal way."

"Youji the grumpy, white-haired old man, wrapped up in a blanket, smoking a pipe." Ran almost chuckled at the idea.

"I'll yell at people and terrorise the local kids with a walking stick. I'll get gangrenes, lose my dentures and reading glasses..." The laughter was gone from Youji's voice. No one will depend on him, and he will have no one to depend on. He will not matter to anyone anymore. "I'll forget new things but can't say a word about my past. The only thing I'll remember are the mistakes I've made and the people I've wronged."

"Enough, Youji."

"... I'll look at the past and regret all the things that I had and hadn't done..."

There would be no one to care about him. He would die staring at Neu's ghost, alone, wondering what he had done with his life. Youji could see it. It was the only way for someone like him, who crushes everything he cares and loves, to spend the rest of his life. The feelings were too frightening, and too real. He could already feel that loneliness creeping up on him, and he had to fight down tears. He was a grown man, not a little girl who could be excused for crying over her own imagination.

"You're creating your own hell." Ran looked away to preserve his friend's dignity as Youji wiped wet eyes with the back of a hand. "Stop punishing yourself."

As he spoke the words, Ran realised that the same words would have applied to himself long ago, when all he lived for was to kill Takatori Reiji. All he was doing was punishing himself for the death of his family. When the assassination was finally completed, it left a void in him, because there was no other purpose in life for him anymore. He did not know what else he could do with his life.

"I know, Aya. I know." Youji repeated, as if trying to convince himself. He stared at cigarette smoke that rose between his fingers. "It just feels like I've opened Pandora's Box. Everything that flies out hit me in the face and I can't think straight anymore. I keep imagining what can happen in the future, I keep wondering what I can do when it all happens."

Ran got up and dusted himself. It was time to draw a conclusion.

"I won't let it happen."

* * *

"Aww. Aya's so sweet." Neu paced around in the room, then finally stopped in front of Youji.

Fixed to his place on the couch, Youji wished someone would come in and make Neu go away. He knew she would disappear as soon as he was with anyone else, but every time he saw her, he felt too weak to move pr call out.

"He was the one who dragged you out of the sea, right?"

Youji could remember now. The pale hand reaching out for him in the water, his desperate attempt to push it away, and then finally giving in. He thought it was Asuka. But now in the back of his mind, he saw what happened. Ran was too shock to move when Youji wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in the red hair. They sank. And then the redhead struggled in his arms and brought him back to the surface.

"Amazing. One of you actually had a brain."

"What do you want, Neu?"

"You know what I want."

Youji fell silent. He did not know.

"Youji-kun, why are you still awake?" Omi peeked out from the bedroom. He thought he could hear Youji's voice.

Youji glanced at Omi, and then back to Neu. She was gone. "Did I wake you?"

"Nah. I was just finishing the report." Omi padded across the room to his friend, and then noticed the cans of beer on the coffee table. "I thought you're cutting back on the alcohol."

Youji chuckled, and gestured for Omi to sit down with him. "This is called 'drinking in moderation'. Have you done the report? Good, sit and drink with me."

A few years ago, when Omi still had flashbacks from his past, Youji used to make hot drinks spiced with alcohol for the younger one, to help him sleep. Later, Omi's alcohol tolerance grew, so they forgot hot drinks altogether and turned to beer. Omi was a good drink-mate. Many of their secrets, including what happened between Youji and Asuka, were exchanged between them over beer. Many good moments had also happened during those times.

Omi was different from Ran. When Ran joined Weiss, it had taken the group several weeks to adjust and trust the redhead, and when they talked, Ran preferred to listen and offer his quiet support. But with Omi, Youji had hit it off with the teenager right away as if they knew each other since their past lives, despite Omi's occasional frown at the cigarette smoke or Youji's treatment to women. Talking with Omi was like Youji talking to his own conscience - Omi always asked questions that Youji did not dare ask himself.

"You were talking to yourself again." Omi said, his eyes focused on his finger that was running around on the rim of the can. "I know you're the best conversationist here, but you can always talk to one of us instead, you know."

Youji let himself sank into the well worn couch. It was the one they used in the old mission room, actually. "I was talking to Neu."

"I can't believe in something I can't see, hear or touch, Youji-kun." Omi knew Youji expected him to say that, so there was no need to lie. Youji's emotions were much more stable compared with when he first revealed the secret to Omi and Ken in Okinawa, and Omi decided to press on. "What does she say to you? What do you see?"

_What do I see?_ Youji asked himself, closing his eyes. _What did I see?_

_Countless of dead bodies floated in the water, and he was sinking. Blood was diffusing its way towards him, catching up on him, and frantically he swam deeper down to get away, despite the dull pain in his head that brought stars to his eyes. He could not see properly, and became too tired to move. Turning around, he saw an arm pushing through the water, reaching for him._

_He was in the flower room, Neu's presence causing small hairs to rise on the back of his neck. "What do you want?"_

_Neu pressed her lips together in a frown, then her face faded. She would never give him the answer._

_Ran was there with him ,under the stars. His voice rung in Youji's head. "I won't let it happen." Youji wanted to believe him._

_He threw things. He threw Asuka's mug, it broke and torn Omi's flesh open. Ken was angry with him. He picked up the broken pieces and told Ran he did not mean to hurt anyone. He did not mean to crush anyone under the weight of his love._

_Red and white roses in the cupboard, frozen in time._

_Blood in the water. Ran's hair. Neu's lipstick. Omi's blood. Frozen roses._

_Red. All of it._

He opened his eyes.

A good three minutes passed before Omi spoke. His voice was a whisper. "Who do you want it to be, Youji-kun?"

Not understanding the question, Youji's brows furrowed.

"Who do you want it to be?" Omi repeated, "the one reaching out for you, through the water, through the blood.

"What Neu wants shouldn't have been the question. It's what _you_ want that matters."

* * *

Youji woke to the smell of honey, his long legs hanging over the end of the couch, where he slept after Omi left him to ponder on his questions.

It was dark in the trailer. Omi, ever so sensitive, had drawn all the curtains that Youji did not bother to draw before he went to bed. Sunlight made its way through the gaps between thick pieces of cloth, and with this light Youji could see Ran standing in the tiny kitchenette, making lunch.

"Aya, mind making me some too?" Youji called out, his voice dry and coarse.

Ran looked up, but did not reply. He poured the food into a bowl, and sat it down on the coffee table in front of Youji. He still walked with a slight limp.

"What about you?" Youji stared at his friend, feeling guilty for taking Ran's lunch.

"I'm not hungry."

Youji smiled. His teammates were starting to know him too well. Asuka used to know when he'd wake up too and she'd cook -

_Porridge with honey._ Youji looked down at his bowl, and was not sure if he should feel glad or bitter.

"I thought you like porridge?" Ran asked when Youji just looked on and did not eat.

"Yeah." Picking up his spoon, Youji told himself there was no point mourning over a bowl of porridge. "Maybe a bit too much."

Ran looked questioningly at Youji, silently asking the question: "Why?" That was as far as he wanted to go. He always assumed that he would get told what people want him to know, and if they don't want him to know, they would not tell him no matter how he asked. But sometimes, people who want to tell need to be urged to go on, so he would do the urging with his eyes. He had a thing about voicing it out loud. If people decide not to tell, they could pretend not to have seen the look. Pretending not to have heard a question was much harder.

Youji wanted to say more, Ran was sure.

"Asuka used to cook a lot." Youji began, finally allowing himself to relive the memory. "She did all sorts of things. If I slept in, she'd know when I would wake up, she cooked so that I can eat the moment I opened my eyes. She did porridge with honey a lot." He looked up at his friend, who pressed his lips together, deep in thought.

"For a moment I just... sorry. I keep doing it don't I? Confuse you with her." Youji added, laughing dryly. "During the mission too. Guess Neu's stirring up things in my mind."

In the end, it was all about Asuka and Neu. Ran found himself shaking his head. "What did she say to you?"

"Omi was just asking me that last night." Youji picked up the empty bowl and placed it in the sink. "Neu never said much. She just laughed at me. She laughed at me for... for strangling every woman that went to bed with me. For reliving that same ugly moment when I killed her whenever anyone gets physically close to me.

"She laughed at me for the dreams I had, for never knowing who it was that reached for me in the water, never knowing... although I know it was you.

"She never tells me what she wants. I keep asking her, but she just say that I know what she wants. But I don't. I really don't."

The confession took the energy out of him. Youji leaned on the kitchen counter as he let Ran absorb what had been said. He never thought he would tell anyone, but perhaps he owed this to the redhead. He could feel his friend's gaze on him, but he could not lift his head to meet those eyes. He felt too _ugly_ to deserve a friend like Ran.

Ran spoke after a long silence. "It's not about what Neu wants, it's about what you want, Youji."

"Funny, Omi said the same thing."

"What you want is to let go, but you can't forgive yourself if you do it."

Ran looked challengingly at his friend, daring him to deny what he said. Youji stole a look at the redhead then looked away. It sounded true, and he usually believed in Ran, but there was no way that he could let other people tell him what it is that he wants and what he is thinking. Nevertheless, in a twisted way, he wanted to listen on. He wanted Ran to batter him mercilessly, to knock some sense into his brain that had long ago stopped thinking properly.

"You don't want to believe that somebody else can take her place. She's not telling you what she wants because you created her and you don't know what you want. You created her so that you can't forget her. You ask her what she wants, but you're just asking yourself the same thing."

It was all true, but it could not be true. "That's enough. You don't understand." Youji clenched his teeth. He wished he could explain to Ran how small and useless he felt when he lost control; when he snapped out of an illusion and saw his hands on a woman's neck; when he knew that there was a way out, that a hand was there for him but he could not take it, too frightened that he would hurt anyone who try to help him, and to love him.

"You said I don't see anything," Ran recalled the morning they had a small silent argument over Youji's drinking habit. "But it's you who aren't seeing anything at all. You said you've opened Pandora's Box, everything escaped and hit you in the face. But do you know that in the tale, Hope also flew from the box? Did it hit you, or did you just let it fly pass?"

"Aya, stop. Just stop."

"You told me most things are a matter of choice. That you choose to smoke. That I choose to believe in you. Who do you want it to be? Who would you choose?

"In the water, do you want the person who reached for you to be? Neu, or me?"

[To be continued]


	9. Part 8

**R e d S e a**

Part Eight

Irrational anger was welling up inside Youji, and he felt himself shaking from it. This, from Ran of all people. Speaking as if he knew it all, as if he knew how it felt when there was no way out, as if he knew the fear of destroying everything he touched.

"In the water, who do you want the person who reached for you to be? Neu, or me?"

As if Ran could offer his hand and end this torture, as if he loved Youji enough to accept the man Youji had came to despise - himself.

White knuckles showed when Youji reached for the kitchen counter and gripped it hard, trying to stop his hands from shaking as he began to lose control. His vision was blurring, and he realised with a start that it was because of angry tears. "You don't understand! Just leave me alone!"

"Tell me what I don't understand."

Youji had pushed himself off the kitchen counter, and he walked towards the redhead, his body taut with a rage that was greater than any he had ever felt. Ran stood his ground although he could not guess what Youji would do, because he had said so much there was no way back.

"Be fair to Asuka too. Don't think of her as the monster the Takatori's turned her into, and let the dead rest." Ran could almost hear Youji's mental state cracking like thin ice, and he walked upon it, knowing he would fall right through. There was only one choice - to move forward. "Tell me, what do you want? What do you really need?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

Not even with his years of assassination experience could Ran had expected the way Youji tackled him to the floor, like a tiger jumping onto him and pinning him down, ready to bite his neck and kill him right there. A rush of panic hit him when he saw a flash of silver - the wire. The moment Youji's arms pulled, Ran's air supply was cut off.

Youji was yelling for him to shut up, but Ran could not hear him anymore. He gripped the wire but could not exert any strength in this position, and very soon he could not even see his attacker. Then Youji let go of the wire and grabbed Ran's face instead. Before the redhead could catch a breath, his head was slammed onto the floor, knocking the last bit of air out of his lungs.

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT ME!"

Waves of pain from the head had paralysed Ran's body as his head hit the floor again and again. Any coherent thoughts left in his head splintered into a million pieces. It was all happening too fast, he was completely overpowered.

"YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING!"

That was the last thing he heard before consciousness slipped away from him.

* * *

Frantically, Youji lifted Ran from the floor and carried him to the couch. He pressed his fingertips on Ran's hair and felt around. No bump. He tried putting more pressure on it, and no reaction came from the redhead. At least he did not wake up from pain, so there should not be any series damage to the skull.

Youji's hands were sweating. He gripped the redhead's shoulders and shook him. "What the hell have I done? Aya! AYA! Fuck it, WAKE UP!"

There was no response from the redhead. He could not have done anything serious - could he? If it was just a painful impact that knocked Ran out, it should not take too long for him to come around again.

_"In the water, who do you want the person who reached for you to be? Neu, or me?"_

He understood the words. He knew what Ran meant.

But did it matter anymore? He has hurt yet another person who tried to love him.

"AYA!" Youji slapped his friend's face gently. "COME ON!"

Ran's eyes suddenly snapped open. They were blank for a moment before they focused on the face hovering above, then Ran sat up, instinctively moving himself into a defensive position.

Youji thought he was going to cry from relief. He moved and settled on the couch behind his friend. "Don't move, Aya, let me check your head."

Flinching from Youji's touch, Ran quickly remembered what happened. He was talking to Youji. He said too much. Youji jumped onto him like an animal onto its prey. The attack. Youji tried to _ strangle_ him. His hand unconsciously moved to feel the skin of his neck. Nothing there.

Youji once explained his weapon to Ran. The wire had three parts to it - the start of it was attached to a needle that could do damage just by having it shot out from the watch. That was followed by around a metre of thin, sharp wire that could cut skin and flesh, and finally, a stronger, thicker section that was used to strangle and tie.

It was his luck then that Youji chose to use the strangling part instead of slicing his throat open.

"There's a mark on your neck, but it'll be gone in a couple of hours." Youji explained, his fingers reaching into Ran's hair again, pressing here and there. "Does any of this hurt?"

It did, but not the sort of pain that came from cracked bones. Youji then proceeded to rub the back of Ran's head with the heel of his palm to minimise any swelling that could start.

"Sorry, Aya. I don't know what happened... I lost control."

"I know." Ran tried not to wince from the pain in his head. "But I did bruise your hand last time. Call it even."

"You knew? Huh, too hard to hide things from you."

"Same to you, although you're very blind sometimes."

Youji laughed dryly. Nothing more was said for a few minutes, and the painful throb in Ran's head had began to die down.

"What happened to your hair, Aya?" Youji asked as he withdrew his hand from Ran's red strands. "You never changed your hairstyle before."

Ran sighed inwardly at the loss of the head massage. "Things change. People grow and change with it. Life is about resolutions, decisions."

"So you're growing out your hair - "

"I'll be growing it as long as my resolution stands. I'll cut it when a decision is made."

Youji's words were gone from his lips. He stared at the red hair, knowing that Ran was waiting for a response. He felt glad that the redhead did not turn around to look at him, or he would be lost for words forever.

"It's not worth it, you know." Youji whipered, a mixture of shock, regret and... _warmth_ rising within his heart. He did not have it in him to take what was being offered anymore. He could not afford to lose this friend. He would hurt Ran, just like he did to Asuka and many others.

Youji stood. He could not carry on with this conversation anymore. "I'm sorry." He headed towards the door for some fresh air and space to think.

"Youji." Ran did not expect himself to say this much, but he expected this answer. He never thought it would be easy. "You said you strangled the women you slept with. Tell me, why did you do the same to me?"

"... I don't know."

* * *

_"Be fair to Asuka too. Don't think of her as the monster the Takatori's turned her into, and let the dead rest."_

"Neu."

Yes, Youji forgot the ending of the tale. There was Hope at the bottom of Pandora's Box. He had it in his hands all along.

"Neu, talk to me."

_"In the water, who do you want the person who reached for you to be?"_

He had the answers to Omi and Ran's questions.

_"Tell me, what do you want? What do you really need?"_

He had to learn how to love again. To love without bringing pain to himself, and without hurting anyone.

The room was silent. He knew he would never see Neu anymore.

_"You said you strangled the women you slept with. Tell me, why did you do the same to me?"_

He took a cigarette and left the trailer to smoke, leaving the pack on the coffee table, knowing that another hand would be taking from the same pack later.

Somehow, he did not mind the idea.

* * *

Ran looked out the window, and finally realised they have stopped at the carpark of a gardening superstore. Thinking about it, Ken did say that they were running low on the compost again. The storeroom was too little to have much stored at any a time, so they had to top up the supplies very frequently. Ran took the opportunity to open up the back of the M-CAT and let the plants get some sunlight. He began to water the plants one by one, and took out the flowers to trim the stems and pull off dead leaves.

He paused when he saw an empty space in one of the glass cupboards.

He fingered the cold, misted glass. The roses were gone. Those red and white rose bulbs, although already too chilled to ever open, were beautiful in a strange way. Somebody must have - 

"I found dead roses in there, Aya, can you believe it? Somebody must've left them in the air-con cupboard and killed them." Ken called, pushing a trolley filled with bags of compost towards the M-CAT. "Help me with these, won't ya?"

Ran shrugged, and began loading the bags into the trailer, careful not to rely too much on his injured leg. "Ken, about those roses... what did you do with them?"

"Threw them away! What else? Put them here as exhibits?" Ken replied, wiping off sweat that broke from all the compost carrying. "They might still be in the bin there, actually, if nobody emptied the trash." He pointed at a large rubbish bin to the side of the cooling cupboard.

Without another word, Ran walked to the rubbish bin and examined its contents. Sure enough, the roses were inside, dead bulbs shrivelling up, shying from any attention.

But one was different. Ran pulled out one red rose. It had began to blossom, blood red petals spreading open once returned to the warmth of the real world.

Ran smiled.

* * *

Birman's gaze, like her voice, was gentle and comforting. Black hair that was tucked behind ears fell to frame her face as she bowed her head to examine the wound. The skin around the wound had dried and shrivelled up, bits of red scalp tangled with dead skin. The surrounding flesh was an angry red, and the wound itself was still too tender to touch.

"What did you treat it with?" She wiped the area with antiseptic and then began re-bandaging the wound.

"Tobacco." Ran did his best to give a reassuring smile when Birman winced at the word. "And the usual things when we got the supplies."

"I did once hear that one can use tobacco that way. I just never thought of trying it."

"Youji's a firm believer of the miracles cigarettes can bring." The redhead sighed exaggeratedly, making Birman laugh. "It worked, though."

"Does it tickle now? Tickling is a sign of the healing process."

"No," Ran rolled down his jeans when she was done wrapping up the leg. "Not yet, and I'm already dreading it."

"Remember: don't scratch." Birman held the door open. "I'll see you next week. Do you need a lift?"

"They're waiting outside." Ran looked at the time. No matter how much he enjoyed Birman's company, it was late and the rest of Weiss would be waiting for him to go to dinner. They said they would be going to Pizza Hut, apparently to "show the waitresses Youji's new haircut and watch their reaction".

Ran was not the only one with a new resolution, afterall.

"See you next week."

He was waiting to take the elevator to the ground floor when Birman found him again.

"Hey, Aya." Her smile was almost like a grin. "Just want to say that you're talking more than you used to."

"Aa." Was he? Ran did not realise.

"I'm just glad to see you happy." For a moment, Birman looked almost like Ran's little sister. "Did something great happen?"

The elevator had arrived, and two Kritiker agents came out. They recognised Ran and greeted him. Ran greeted back politely.

"Well, Aya?" Birman asked again, not letting go of the question.

Stepping inside the elevator, Ran could feel the start of a smile on his face as he replied, just before the doors closed.

"I guess you can say that."

[end]

Liked it? Hated it? Please drop me a review!


End file.
